COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo- USA Basketball Executive Director/CEO Jim Tooley has announced that USA Basketball will be going through some controversial roster changes for the 2016 Rio Olympics. Top name players will all be replaced by the “Nightmare Team,” players more known for ineptitude, bad attitudes and injuries than winning. Tooley said that he’s not worried about putting an inferior product on the court. He actually thinks it will benefit revenues when he sells the true story rights to the highest bidder in Hollywood. Tooley said, “There hasn’t been a good chumps to champs movie come out of Hollywood in years. I think what I’ve put together so far is pretty good but I’m not much of a screenwriter so I wouldn’t be offended if they pay some big timer to do some rewrites.” Tooley says that the story could be an inspiring drama like “Rudy” or “Moneyball” but his preference would be more like a hilarious comedy similar to “The Mighty Ducks” or “Major League”. Tooley said that he would not mind being portrayed as the villain in the film and would even consider playing himself if he was right for the role. When asked about if he was concerned that sponsors might drop out Tooley stated, “We’ll still get sponsors for the team and now they also add the value of getting their brands attached to the future hit movie. I’m just trying to put the best team to make a film about out on that court.”
So who made the cut of this so called “Nightmare Team?” Let’s take a look and just imagine the classic sports movie that could be.
Starters:
Greg Oden C MIA- There’s a good chance Oden will get hurt early so then the plot can open up to less talented players.
Steve Blake PG POR- This injury prone guard has a spunky attitude. Writers could easily use his real life experience such as stepping on a nail in a parking lot to build in some great comic relief.
Nick Calathes SG MEM – This Greek national player could really ratchet up the tension in the second act. He could betray the team when they find out he’s a spy for the Greeks.
Tyrus Thomas PF CHA- Here is anther injury prone guy that could get hurt at an early pivotal moment to add excitement to the movie.
Steve Novak SF UTH- This three point specialist could have a cold streak in the start of the movie but could get put in the final game in the final minutes. When the pressure is up he turns it up and hits some clutch shots.
Jason Kidd, Coach – Let’s add some wacky slapstick humor. Even if the movie becomes a drama having a coach yuk it up a little could make for some great onscreen comedy moments.
Bench:
Now the line up gets interesting.
Mario Chalmers PG MIA- Chalmers knows a lot about winning after being a witness to the Miami Heat’s big three and back to back championship runs. Can he help mold this team of oddballs into a world champion in a basketball league less competitive than the NBA?
Kwame Brown C PHI- He probably wouldn’t get much screen time in the movie. He probably gets hurt way early and just sits on the bench. He might not get any lines.
Tayshaun Prince SF MEM- Tayshaun could be one of the elder statesmen of the team and do a lot of head shaking when the younger guys screw around.
Brittney Griner SF- PHX Mercury- So what if she’s a chick, dude? People love a story where the girl gets to kick a little butt. We could have a moment at the start of the movie where one of the best players on the team is like “Yea right…” and then she challenges him to one on one, wins and is accepted by the team.
Ben McLemore SG SAC- This guy has to be the cocky youngster, with all the style but not yet the grace. His sweet dunks could give him that “hot shot” edge that he has to overcome for the team to gel.
Tim Howard- SG/SF/Goalie Everton F.C.- So Tim Howard is really a soccer goalie but there could be a really good scene of him already knowing the way around Rio and helping the team get around.
Khris Middleton PF MIL- Just one of the lovable losers that needs a little growth and some time to shine. He could be the guy who stays at the gym too long and pushes himself too hard and then everyone’s like “chill out and have some fun bro”.
Jermaine O’Neal PF/C FA- O’Neal has to be the old guy with something to prove and a chip on his shoulder but through learning to use teamwork he becomes one of the MVPs.
Coach Jason Kidd said that he’s really excited to get a shot at the world stage and can’t wait to get started. He’s already holding rehearsals for some new drop the cup type antics. Kidd said “I see this as an audition. If I go out there with some great material and kill it, I think there’s a pretty good chance I could get a role in the movie.”
Tooley concluded, “Most of these players could get cut from their NBA teams at any time so they have some real motivation to earn those $25,000 Olympic Commission prizes but if this team lives up to its potential it could really become special on the silver screen. I think that we’re looking at least $300 Million domestic box office with the right cast and who knows what it could gross worldwide.”
So what do you fans think? Is this USA Basketball Nightmare Team a team that you’d spend $15 for a ticket and $10 on snacks to go see at the theater or would you wait and see it in your own home? Would you watch them in the Olympics?
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